My PTSD has been "acting up". I've had at least one major trigger a week for the past three weeks. It may not sound like great frequency...but it is. Each incident causes overwhelm distress that lasts for days.
As I was talking about one of my recent triggers with my therapist today, I had a visual image of my PTSD. PTSD is like...having a small, quivering, naked monster inside. It's covered with layer upon layer of light, near invisible, curtain-like veils..which should be heavy-duty blankets and tarps...I wish.
Anyway, everytime the PTSD monster gets "awaken", it runs amok and rampant, hitting panic buttons and slamming into walls. It takes days for the monster to feel safe again and crawl back under its thin layers.
My triggers, the things that set off the monster, are unique to me but others with PTSD can have very similar ones.
* Sudden, unexpected loud noises
*Angry voices (it doesn't necessarily have to directly involve me. I could walk by a couple arguing and the monster awakes just the same)
*Dishes and furniture being dropped, slammed around
These three triggers, in particular, where especially common growing up. They were much too often followed by me being physically hurt. When I hear them...I cringe inside and the monster shakes and reawakens the inner terror that I felt, often as a small child. The inner terror, omg..it's....hmmm, like laying naked, vulnerable and completely helpless and you are waiting for the smack, the hit, the punishment. It is pure terror, raw and unprotected.
Other triggers are kinda complicated. Touch, which I often welcome, can incite my monster, depending on who it is, where they touch, how much pressure is used, my current state of mid, etc. My back and shoulders are most sensitive to invasive touch and pretty strictly off limits. Never, ever pat the top of my head. Hugs are almost always welcomed and adored, unless you are male or I don't like you (Aspie honesty at its finest). I need to be able to visually see and be present (not off dissociating/ daydreaming...happens lots) before any touch is initiated. I carry a host of protective body postures that I use to help protect me and fend people off. I have "angry eyes" and leave me alone stares, I employ when need be. Problem is, some people can't read.
Prevention, prevention, prevention. I go to great extremes, mostly daily, to avoid triggers and painful PTSD reactions. Once it awakens, there is hell to pay...for me...for days. Destressing and calming back down oft turns to a 24hr affair until its done. I can and have often become completely nonfunctional for days at a time after being triggered. I do my best to avoid....but I live in the real world and shit happens.
For Gods sake, be nice...no, nicer and kinder to me and anyone else you know with PTSD. You have, now, maybe, some small idea of how much we suffer.
And for goodness sake, never stop offering warm hugs! Dammit:)
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