One of the biggest drawbacks of being Aspie and Abused is...when I feel the most turmoil, I am least able to connect with anyone outside myself. This is that proverbial lose-lose situation I have forever experienced. When I need the most help, I am least capable of going out and finding it.
I love carrying double-edged swords, that swing both ways.
Autism and PTSD have robbed me of one of the things I most value...my ability to work, to financially support myself. Relying on someone else Sucks, always has, always will. Being helpless has never suited me but is the only cloth I've been given. A double bind that never stretches or breaks..its always there. And it always hurts. Its one of the times where I rekindle my father hatred....and question the whole fairness bullshit.
THIS just does not seem right no matter which way you turn it, toss it or smash it against the wall. I wrestle and fight it only to give up in realitys light. Not being able to work is always failure.
I don't know why so much was ripped and taken from me with such vehement, violent force and finality.
Obviously, or so I've heard, I did nothing to deserve this, but yet I live in fates slobbering stench.
You think I'd be used to the orphan tale and being forever unloved and uncared for...but no. Every now and then it's just more pronounced.
Some things...you just never get over.
My hands are tied....my hands have always been tied.
I'm not in therapy enough but I can't change that either. Everything costs money and I have none.
I wanted to hang up on the social security worker who called to tell me, short of an appeal and court order, I will never receive disability...I was upset and couldn't respond, but I forced out an "can I call you back?" Unable to process. Everything in me screamed "hang up" so this strange woman wouldn't hear me cry, but no....I had to comply and push my fucking upset self to cry and mutter into the phone. Yeehaw, just another fucking daily hurdle to jump over.
God, I hate so many things about my ailments and "condition" and I'm so fucking helpless to change any of them.
Well, I've reached my personal best. This is just how it's going to be...probably forever. Wish me well as I sit in the rocker, staring absently out the window at the ever present storm.
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