The girl in the white dress...walks barefoot through the forest, head down, loose blonde hair hangs on her shoulders. Her feet heavily stained with earthen mud, dried leaves, small twigs nestled between toes. Her left hand cupped, holding morsels....she eats as she walks...going nowhere in particular. She's hungry...she is always hungry.
I'm just a reallyreally quiet person. Most of the time, I'm okay with that.
Food....I don't know if I really want to go there. It's complicated and covers a wide range. Where to start and which direction to go?
Emotions, abandonment and food. I grew up in deep poverty. I rarely had enough to eat. The familiar sinking feeling of opening the cupboard and finding nothing but a few strands of spaghetti...and eating them...hits a hollow, empty sensation. I didn't know that I deserved to be fed...that hunger and starvation was neglect on my parents part. I just figured the emptiness was how life was and would always be.
My body reallyreally wanted something...needed something...but it was rarely there. I couldn't, was forbidden to mention it to anyone. I can't remember if mother ever gave explicit instruction or if I just felt it was wrong to mention. Maybe I didn't know or feel it was right to ask someone....it was never okay to show my family that you needed anything because then they made sure you didn't get it.
Maybe I wasn't good enough to get a decent dinner. Low self-esteem follows me around like an ugly step-sister and taunts me at every turn. Just can't seem to find enough money for a bus ticket for her.
Survival. I was always looking for a reason, an excuse to go to Grammas house. She always had food there and not just the normal stuff like bread and crackers, no, she had contraband, twinkles, candy and cake. I liked going to visit Gram.
Ugh, back to that empty, sinking feeling in my belly. I got used to there never being enough to eat. Lately it seems those pangs are arising from the past...or for no reason at all.
I was, still am, a notoriously picky eater. Back then, I didn't realize it was because of my autism, allergies and oversensativities...I just figured I was difficult...trying to get attention...Wait, that's what others said about my eating behavior. I just believed them. I only wanted to eliminate the physical hunger not draw attention and irk to my unusual behavior.
When I think of the word food...a word so simple and straightforward....I get all kinds of varying emotions.
I'm mad I never had enough. Disappointed. Sad. Jealous. Confused.
Confused? Yeah, I want it but sometimes it makes me sick. I have one very severe allergy and a couple others that can make me unwell, so it's a bothersome dance I have to do to find safe food that tastes okay and doesn't harm me.
Really? I mean...I need to eat to live but the very act of eating can be dangerous. I could end up in the hospital. I didn't realize how very much fear I have of food, till now. I'm afraid to eat.
I don't go to restaurants because I don't trust the food won't make me sick. I read labels but mostly stick with a dozen basics meals that agree with me.
You know, I really,seriously have to find a way to build myself up and like myself more. Cause it don't come from the outside and its wearing me down.
Same story, different day.
I wish I knew how to fix this
I don't want to keep living like this
Truth be told...I hunger for many things and none seem within reach.
I don't know if my future will ever be different from my past.
It's hell to be hungry.
To be hungry and yet afraid of food. Yeah, it's a conundrum.
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