I am amazingly physically ill and have had bouts of being very sick for the past few years. It's been downright scary to be extremely weak and unable to do the simplest of things, ie, getting out of bed, making a piece of toast, without great, concerted effort.
Even after hours of sleep, I wake up very tired and sore.
Too weak to complain.
Autistically having difficulty verbally defining and explaining my symptoms.
Pretty sure most have thought my symptoms were all "in my head" when they Never were, but I could not explain myself enough to get medical help.
It's been horribly frightening to feel so bad and not have answers...never knowing if or when I will feel better...
The unknown is scary
Dreams of playful raccoons in the snow, sliding down hills. A huge black bear shows up, very close, walks around. I'm not sure if it's vicious or not.
Dreamt of being alone, in my hometown, unsure of which way to go. Stopping at the downtown hospital, only to get stuck riding the new fanged elevator, asking someone to help me get unstuck, get off.
I walk and it's getting dark. I'm in a strange neighborhood that I know is dangerous. I duck into a friendly looking building where a woman greets me and tries to help. I'm trying to call someone to come get me...to rescue me from the danger...but the phone won't work, no matter how many times or what number I call.
The last week of this month, I see the specialist. I'm mildly optimistic. Third day on antibiotics. I feel a little better each day. My heads a little clearer and my muscles aren't so..pokey, spiky sore.
Making some changes. I had my third visit with...I'll call her "Sadie", the CMH intake worker. Mostly surprisingly, she didn't doubt me or what I said. She listened well and believed me. At the end of the 2 1/2 hour intake, she actually called me "likable" and very intelligent, easy to get along with.
It's exceedingly rare to get a compliment. I need to get out more. Sometimes compliments seem like foreign things meant for someone else.
Sadie actually said she thinks most people accept MPD/ DID and Aspergers as real and valid
To summarize (do I really want to say this?) I:
Was neglected by my mother at a very young age
Sexually abused by my dad from five-20
Physically abused by both parents, majority dad from 7-14, the poor, unemployed years
Have both rare diseases of Lyme and Lichen Sclerosus which are both caused by the same bacteria, Borrelia.
Contracted said bacteria at seven years of age. Trauma contributes to the lichen.
Have spent most of my life with physical ills that have been pretty much of unknown cause. I think people say I'm a hypochondriac, hysterical and making things up. Bullshit. My ailments are frightening and very real
I'm actually a very nice person, withdrawn, avoiding pain and misunderstanding, very intelligent, good reader of eyes and body language, hypersensitive, unable ...unwilling to trust easily, non-manipulative, very low on the drama scale, autistic (some days more than others) with MPD multiple personality disorder, PTSD post traumatic disorder, chronically depressed since childhood, estranged from all bio (biological and bio toxic family), with...hmm, no close friends, unable to work, prone to anxiety and panic attacks but, with a positive attitude, overall.
It's been...interesting thus far....stick around, I am holding a tiny ray of hope that things will get better
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